The Depressing Chronicles-Part 1
I was told that I have this need, this desire to be needed. Like it was it was a weakness to be ashamed of.
To this I don't agree. It's a strength you see. Or am I lying to myself? I really don't know. All I know is all my life I wanted to be accepted. Then one day I decided I didn't want to be accepted. This decision helped some but then I just fell into a another social clique, a phase. I wanted to be wanted by the outcasts for a while I was happy but in truth never satisfied. It was until the last few years where I found out that I truly have no one. Even when I have some one forever and always until death do us part...where that's the biggest blab of lies I've ever heard. No one actually needs me, I'm replaceable. If I hurt you, you will find some one else. Some one stronger maybe some one weaker but another. It's not this that possess me to write this, it's the sheer fact that the requirement I desire is to be belong. I've never belonged and now that I'm older the things that have made me not belong in the past. Traits such as: sometimes I'm just overly enthusiastic, sometimes I just dramatically overdue everything, sometimes I under-do things too. Sometimes I jump the gun and get overly attached to fictional characters. Sometimes I cry about things that apparently I shouldn't plus I laugh at inappropriate times.
It's not a bad thing to care. I have very few people in my life who I love. It really doesn't even matter if they love me back. I'm always going to care for them. Sure I have my flaws but who doesn't? Why is it that other people can do the exact same thing I do yet they are continually loved and I am shunned? I don't really know if my childhood has anything to do with it, I'm not a psychologist, but it wasn't perfect. Sometimes I just need to be held in a Cory & Topanga, Doctor & Rose, a Marshall & Lilly kind of way but no one has ever given me that so I take what I need. If you can't give it to me I have a tendency to shut you out. I tend to close my heart to you and not care if you leave or go because some one will always leave all it takes is time. One may call me pessimistic or down right depressing but it isn't that at all it's realistic. Humans were not meant to be together for an eternity sometimes if a person's lucky they'll get a lifetime with someone who fills their soul as much as their body but I don't know. I haven't a clue but to tell me that I shouldn't "need" people that like saying I shouldn't breath. I'm not co-dependent but I need human contact. I want for ONCE to be someone's PERSON. I'm tired of having to choose people to be my person. That doesn't mean I'm going to give up on the people I've built my entire life around it just means that it's so complicated that no one will ever understand completely. I want to be someone's reason for breathing so that they can be mine. I would love it if someone actually like my singing (I really don't blame anyone for disliking it though *LOL). Someone who looked at me like "moon of my life, my sun and stars.
But no I'm loyal, I'm loving. Doing the best I know how. I complain and I'm pathetic...I'm a frieking Meredith Grey without the talent. But to hell with that, what do I get..."You have a need to be needed, it's weird."
I don't want to be the person people think...she's needy and she needs people. I just don't want to be her.
To this I don't agree. It's a strength you see. Or am I lying to myself? I really don't know. All I know is all my life I wanted to be accepted. Then one day I decided I didn't want to be accepted. This decision helped some but then I just fell into a another social clique, a phase. I wanted to be wanted by the outcasts for a while I was happy but in truth never satisfied. It was until the last few years where I found out that I truly have no one. Even when I have some one forever and always until death do us part...where that's the biggest blab of lies I've ever heard. No one actually needs me, I'm replaceable. If I hurt you, you will find some one else. Some one stronger maybe some one weaker but another. It's not this that possess me to write this, it's the sheer fact that the requirement I desire is to be belong. I've never belonged and now that I'm older the things that have made me not belong in the past. Traits such as: sometimes I'm just overly enthusiastic, sometimes I just dramatically overdue everything, sometimes I under-do things too. Sometimes I jump the gun and get overly attached to fictional characters. Sometimes I cry about things that apparently I shouldn't plus I laugh at inappropriate times.
It's not a bad thing to care. I have very few people in my life who I love. It really doesn't even matter if they love me back. I'm always going to care for them. Sure I have my flaws but who doesn't? Why is it that other people can do the exact same thing I do yet they are continually loved and I am shunned? I don't really know if my childhood has anything to do with it, I'm not a psychologist, but it wasn't perfect. Sometimes I just need to be held in a Cory & Topanga, Doctor & Rose, a Marshall & Lilly kind of way but no one has ever given me that so I take what I need. If you can't give it to me I have a tendency to shut you out. I tend to close my heart to you and not care if you leave or go because some one will always leave all it takes is time. One may call me pessimistic or down right depressing but it isn't that at all it's realistic. Humans were not meant to be together for an eternity sometimes if a person's lucky they'll get a lifetime with someone who fills their soul as much as their body but I don't know. I haven't a clue but to tell me that I shouldn't "need" people that like saying I shouldn't breath. I'm not co-dependent but I need human contact. I want for ONCE to be someone's PERSON. I'm tired of having to choose people to be my person. That doesn't mean I'm going to give up on the people I've built my entire life around it just means that it's so complicated that no one will ever understand completely. I want to be someone's reason for breathing so that they can be mine. I would love it if someone actually like my singing (I really don't blame anyone for disliking it though *LOL). Someone who looked at me like "moon of my life, my sun and stars.
But no I'm loyal, I'm loving. Doing the best I know how. I complain and I'm pathetic...I'm a frieking Meredith Grey without the talent. But to hell with that, what do I get..."You have a need to be needed, it's weird."
I don't want to be the person people think...she's needy and she needs people. I just don't want to be her.
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