Fix the Indecisive

 

Indecisive. So Indecisive. I wake up and I want to change the world and then I realize that this is all I am and I'm not going anywhere. Bring me down another notch. I just want to feel like this all makes sense. Marriage is hard or I make it hard. I want to be happy so why am I unhappy? I can't make it right. I'm trying, but optimism has never really been my strong point unless I put on a mask for the world to see. But you see? That's the problem at home when you take off your mask, you husband expects the mask (not physical mask but an emotional one) and I can not be what I show the world. This home is suppose to be my cocoon but it's not. I feel like at both ends of my life is a dead end. I screwed up going to a four year college because of some stupid boy not the wonderful man I'm married to now. I'm not talented at anything but maybe child care. Which let' s be real is a joke. Bahaha. I'm a  married woman who's broke and in debt and who had to quit community college for a full time job because she's pathetic and can't do both. All I so is swim in self loathing and I can't seem to come up for air. Which let's face it just get's worse as time goes on. I'm selfish and I can't seem to give a moment for him. I want God to help me but it's my problem I'm causing and I should be able to fix it. Why do I need fixing? What am I doing wrong? I'm ruining our marriage because I can't just be satisfied. I just want to be content. It's just as every day passes my dreams of being any one or traveling the world will just disappear. Sure, sure when I have kids it'll be different but you see that's all I have to look forward to for the next sixty years. Family is the most important thing in the world but I don't want that to be the only thing I have in my life. Maybe I'm depressed? In truth then I've been depressed off and on again for the last four years and gained a bunch of weight in the process. I can tell somethings wrong but I can't fix it. I just can't fix it.