Going through changes-For the better

             It has been almost four years since I have wrote anything on this blog. Honestly, I had forgotten about it because I have been so busy living life. That last four years have included crappy and joyous experiences. For a short summary, I officially was divorced in 2015 and claimed bankruptcy in 2015. C and I decided to get pregnant in 2016 and buy a house and then in 2017 we had a wonderful baby boy, M.

              To say I have changed would be an understatement, I am a still me but I am more balanced and hell a more happy. When I read my past posts on this blog, I realize just how depressed and sad I was in 2013-2015. I was so lost with my work, my personal relationships, financially, and the relationship that I had with my mom. Over the last few years, I have realized that my mom has borderline personality disorder and I have lived with that my entire life. Then there is  possibility that I have had endometriosis since puberty and I have been dealing with pain and exhaustion that was not normal for most women. Understanding that there is cause for all the "bad" stuff in my life has found me a level of peace. Also, I have finally mentally grasped that I have been around abusive assholes my whole life. I know now that "some" physical abuse, is still abuse, and when someone who teases and says shitty things to you all the time but tells me that I had to deal with it and "harden up", is a verbally abusive person.  Just because I was a strong-willed child and a brat most of the time was no excuse for how I was treated by my step-dad. That being said, it was not every day that these incidents happened, so as a child i just believed that I was selfish and I wouldn't have had my hair pulled or spanked with the belt if I had done what I was told instead of defying the rules. In one of the worse conversations with my mom (now keep in mind she has a disorder and was abused sexually, physically, and verbally her entire childhood) told me that I had no room to complain because I was not beaten every day and I was not being sexually abused. If I asked my mother about this now, she would not remember saying it and that response is part of her disorder.  Now that I have a child, I am struck by a nauseating horror. I still believe in a good ass whooping by hand, time out, and a good long ass lecture, but there are things that I experienced as a child that I vow to never put my son through. It warps your mind and makes you feel like your a terrible person and all of that's happens to you is your fault, but it's not. So, I guess having a son and raising a son has opened my eyes in several ways and it has helped me find peace with my personality and myself as a human being.  Now, reading my past blog spots, I feel pity and compassion for my younger self. I was so broken and I wish I could have healed myself faster. It explains why I stayed with my ex-husband when he was verbally abusive boyfriend, because I thought it was normal and I could deal with it. It wasn't until we were living together and things turned lightly physically abusive because of the "lack of sex" in our relationship, did I get the idea that I wanted something different. I didn't want to live the next seventy years of my life constantly trying to make an individual happy who could never be satisfied.

                My job at the vet clinic was not the dream job that I hoped it would be, but I am grateful for the experience. I love the vet assistant position itself but the work environment at the clinic was lacking. Somehow, after I had my son, something inside me changed and my eyes were opened wide to the treatment I was receiving. I have learned that when you are sad and constantly stressed that sometimes it is in fact, not your fault. I made mistakes but that doesn't mean my supervisor had the right to be an asshole. Once, I resigned myself with these facts, then I could search for a new job and knew there would be light at the end of the tunnel. You can hustle everyday but if you are not where your suppose to be, at a job or in your personal life, you can not succeed or be happy. The main unfortunate but fortunate trait I acquired working at the vet clinic for four years was how to be "cold" and shut off my emotions. Although, it helped curb my dramatic emotional rollercoster, it crushed part of my bubbly soul. The end of last year I knew had to get out so that I could become myself again as much as possible. C, M, Evey, and my hobbies give me constant love and support but I need a well-rounded fulfilling life.

 

                Three months ago, I started working at a community college and the work environment is positive, I get days off, sick time, and actual vacation days. I am registered for classes for summer and fall and will be able to finish my associates degree. I hope that I can go on to receive a bachelors degree and maybe get my teacher's license. It's like my life is coming full circle and I just have to keep believing in myself and hoping for the best.  My life is different now, better, and I hope everyone can  end up there too. My ambition is to do better for my son and make his childhood better than mine. I don't want him to be spoiled but I want him to understand why he is being punished and that the punishment fits the crime. I can't raise a balanced human being if there are not consequences for his actions, but I don't have to be abusive to raise him to be a good man.